Grief Unexpectedly

The news came as a shock tonight.  Sure we had that misunderstanding but the silence wasn’t supposed to mean I’d never see you again.  You must have been haunting me because you have been on my mind for the longest.  I did not get in touch with you because I thought – I don’t know what I thought, but I wasn’t angry, you were supposed to go on living.  It’s not right and it’s not fair and dying just wasn’t your fucking style!

I have nowhere for this grief to go.  Our sons best friends until those terrible teens.  I remember their last day of school in Fifth grade, my son who had been horribly bullied came home excited he made a friend who actually invited him to his house to go play in the pool.  Of course I had reservations…”Who are these people?”  I demanded a telephone number, certainly I wasn’t about to entrust my child in the care of just anybody.  My mind raced imagining the grim news of a phone call he drowned.  I took comfort in your assurance he’d be safe given it was an inflatable pool.  That day was the beginning of our friendship.

No, we weren’t up under each other’s faces everyday.  You were Suzy fucking homemaker! You put me to such shame. God, how you could cook! I spent most of the time back then sorting through some baggage.  I was in a shitty relationship, but not once did you ever judge.  I certainly couldn’t see it, but you listened.  You were FIRE.  But you always had room at the table.

When the dipshit and I finally broke up and I was in deep despair, you never yelled: “Snap out of it!” We plotted on revenge. When your mind got going you could make the devil look like a punk bitch. You had great ideas.  I’m just thankful there was a shred of sanity left in me because it wasn’t so much the ideas that scared me  rather than you were serious and would have rode shotgun if I agreed.  you were BOLD!

I remember the Thanksgiving we shared together, and the time there was some snafu for my son’s birthday and you and your husband without hesitation or excuse drove me, my family and his other friends to Dave and Busters.  I most certainly can’t forget the Christmas when I was really down on my luck and the gifts for my son didn’t end.

More than that, I don’t know if I ever did say how thankful I was that my son and yours were friends.  Not just because of the love and attention you gave him, but for the beautiful soul you raised your son to be.  Sensitive, kindhearted, loyal.

About that misunderstanding…

I won’t say sorry because it’s my feeling that there is nothing to forgive.  We did what we were called to do as mothers and we jockeyed for position as we should.  We always swore whatever happened between our kids, we’d remain friends.  We never said we weren’t friends, but rather we distanced ourselves.  I always wished you well in my heart, but I also respected the boundary or what I thought was a boundary you decided to erect.  I had no ill feelings towards you.  NONE.AT.ALL.  I hope you knew that.  It was my feeling our sons needed to know we were on their side 100 percent, and that as adults it wasn’t personal, just part of the job.

You were a wonderful person, full of light, laughter, love, and had just a lil touch of the wicked which made you all the more endearing. My heart is broken tonight, you weren’t supposed to leave, our paths were supposed to meet again…HERE on this plane.  I’d like to think you’re haunting me.  You’ve been on my mind so much lately, I wish cowardice didn’t win out.  I wish I picked up that phone.  I wish I followed my own advice tonight when my son asked me what I thought about his reaching out to your son out of the blue and I told him without hesitation “Pick up the phone.” Maybe you too put a lil invisible fire under my son’s ass.  Either way I know you will look out for him wherever you are, as you did here.  I believe in soul contracts, I believe each of us touches another’s life with purpose and agreement.

Remember the 4th of July when the kids were blowing up fire crackers and the police came? I was so fucking straight edged I was in a panic envisioning my son taken away in handcuffs.  Don’t know what you said to those cops but they walked away.  You were so fucking cool like that.  You could sell ice to an Eskimo.

I know your family must be devastated.  Your daughter recently married I am sure is in mourning, your husband must be in shock, I can’t even imagine what your parents must feel, your departure defied the way it’s supposed to be, we’re not supposed to leave before our parents, your brother whom you adored most certainly must have a hole in his heart. Your youngest is doing his best to contain his grief, I spoke to him a little earlier. I haven’t stopped crying.  My son is in shock and has been on the phone with your baby for at least a solid four hours now.

You have my word I will keep a close eye on him and make sure he’s okay. The others are grownups and might need a listening ear, but your baby is now mine to keep watch over however is needed.  It’s what we do, it’s what you did for mine without question.  I hope when you left you didn’t feel pain.  I am hurting and I don’t know how or when the pain will leave.  There was no closure, I didn’t get to say goodbye or to let you know how much you were appreciated.

There is so much left to say but I have to leave this here for now, I am so grieved I feel sick and I can’t stop crying.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart I never said it, but please know you were loved.

“Be careful.  Don’t think these little children are worth nothing. I tell you that they have angels in heaven who are always with my father in heaven.”
Matthew 18:10

I know you are working your magic from up above. I miss you so much but we will see each other again.



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2 responses to “Grief Unexpectedly


    I’m so very sorry Nix.

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