“New Mommie Blogs” well isn’t that special…you might call it snark, but see…I’ve been there and done that – here is the question on everybody’s mind and it has nothing to do with your ‘expertise‘ at being a mom…’cause…well, it’s an oxymoron to be writing a “New Mommie” blog while simultaneously claiming expertise…my brain is wrecked with all these “New Mommies” and all their near lil mini-catastrophes…as if projectile vomiting and a lil stink muffin neck-deep in spinach green baby shit is something that has NEVER BEFORE been seen. Heck, y’all truly are a bunch of rookies, back in my day baby pup had some lil virus and was shitting his lil baby brains out all night, there was shit on the floors, the walls, the lil baby thingy you slap on there to entertain them – a music mobile yea, that’s what they call ’em – splattering baby shit all over the room, I had to duck intermittently between baby shit missiles strategically aimed at me just to retrieve the poor thing from the crib…there was no mistaking it, this definitely was not friendly fire!
Now I’m witnessing y’all pontificating just what to do about scenarios such as these but having been a survivor I can tell ya this is not an earth shattering crisis. No, you might not want to get laid again anytime soon after being up with the master shit machine all night but you do want to make sure the baby stays hydrated. You might consider finding a lil tiny cork, but it is doubtful that it would stay in place so you must be prepared to deal with the shit until the ‘attack’ runs its course. Dehydration is the biggest danger in all of this. Chronic shits in a very young baby can be fatal so instead of sitting up there on y’all’s ‘puters blogging away volumes on the amount, smell and consistency you might just wanna git yourself outta the blogger’s chair and get the lil shit master over to the pediatrician who can assess the problem. After you lay out a few bills, walking on fumes, and the doctor has re-assured you that all is well it’s just something that has to pass, expect a couple more rounds of assaults. This is not the time to beat yourself up for failing to heed your financial advisor’s suggestion on Huggies stock, that window has passed. Accept it, although you might do well to consider investing in plastic because you will find the only practical fashion for occasions such as this will be an extra-large garbage bag. I suggest purchasing the ones with built-in handles, this way you can simply remove the plastic drawstring and use it as a belt. Keep a few extra in the baby bag or expect lots of shit on your clothes.
Riding the subway during one of these baby shit attacks just might find you in a better position than usual…so much so you might find most are willing to let you have the entire subway car to yourself. But while worrisome, these occasional baby shit attacks are not really worthy of global discussion on the cyberwaves…just remember two key things: Keep the baby hydrated and get him to a pediatrician.
You might find it helpful to have an extra piece of cake in the fridge when you get home. Never mind concern for the waistline, the minute you got pregnant that shit was gone forever, it took off with your ass…it’s okay…give yourself permission…have that piece of cake! You earned it.