Welcome to the Family…

foreverYou laughed when I shared he used to tell me when he grew up we’d share the bed together and his wife would sleep on the floor while he pushed you on the swing.  Observing the two of you in some ways brings me back to my own youth in some respects and this finds me revisiting some bittersweet emotions…

I look back and I honor the mothers who had the courage to let their sons walk me to my door late at night.  I took a lot for granted and felt a sense of entitlement…karma has a way of teaching you lessons even when you erroneously believe you’ve gained wisdom.

I watch you both, and you are a manifestation of all I could have dreamed…your attraction to one another somehow I’d like to think on his part morphed from the best parts of me…yet at the same time I am fearful because I like what I see yet I know the odds are stacked against young love…

He HATES when I try to ‘lecture’ him on going slow and tips on how to prepare for the worst.  A side effect of being middle-aged and knowing that people grow and change and don’t always stick around for the forever…

I want you to know that I like you…very much…

I’m glad he picked you…but I wish it was later…because you’re perfect but you’re both so young…

I dreamed of a family someday…a big happy one…

I plan to have ten grandchildren…

He’s my only son…did he tell you that?

Did he mention the acres of land he will buy and how there is to be a mother-in-law suite built on the property so that I can babysit?  Yes this has been mapped out since our last discussion where we decided you would be sleeping on the floor…this of course was all HIS idea and I thought it was a rather good one coming from a six year old.

But tonight you laughed at that almost as if you thought it silly.  Up until tonight I rather enjoyed that scenario…it worked for me.

I come from a different generation and all of this is an adjustment…

Tonight, I saw myself in you.

treetop

Jungle Tree Top Adventure

I watched you climb that Jungle Tree Top like a champ all the way to the top and I remember how in my youth I had the same courage…I’d dare to try anything until one day fear set in…and I watched you do this as my son held on for dear life and only made it to the first landing.  I asked him later on “What happened?” He shared:  “I’m not afraid of heights but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t fall.” He took it in stride when you outdid him in rock climbing too…

I know a lot about falling but that’s a whole other story…

waterballoI know the Amusement Park might have seemed a bit infantile…but it was what I could manage with my condition and my pocketbook.  I so get it might not make your top ten list but I really dug your spirit today especially when I admitted I might have goofed but gave the pep talk:  “Hey, no one here knows either one of you, it’s not like anyone from the neighborhood is gonna rat you out…go ahead! Release your inner child today! Fun is on the inside!“….I saw the looks you both gave me…even after following with “Why don’t you both have a water balloon fight?“…

Your mother raised you well.

I know that both of you are a good team.  He forgot an extra shirt and you forgot a set of bottoms…this left me having to give him the shirt off my back, while he gave you his.  He was not fond of the neon pink flowers or the bows he had to wear, but certainly my shirt would have fallen off of you given your delicate frame…and so I walked out of there wearing a tropical blue, white, yellow and pink tropical bathing suit top with mismatched red, white, black and pink plaid pants while you both walked hand in hand, he in a flowery bow top you in his shirt with nothing but a towel covering you on the bottom…proof that water balloon fights are fun.  At least for now.  But somehow I know you will remember this day.

On the way back as I played ‘chauffeur’ both of you sat behind me – I switched on the jazz.  I don’t know if he’s told you yet but he has this dream of you both getting dressed up and going to a jazz club.  He wants candlelight and good music.  He thinks you will appreciate it since you like to sing.  Tonight we had Popeye’s before hitting the waterfront in Long Island City.  Who said broke folks don’t know how to party?

What you don’t know is this is the same park two weeks ago while you were away I cried to an old friend “My son doesn’t love me.” And we sat on the same swing you both sat on tonight…except tonight it was different…

Tonight you took turns on one swing while I rocked in the other…

We talked of old fairy tales and stories we were fond of…

Momma if I were a big scary ape would you still love me then?”  “I’ll love you forever, I’ll love you for always as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.”  “Goodnight Gorilla…”

Then he began to push you on the swing…higher and higher you went…but it got a little too high and you said nothing – so I did…I know he did not mean harm…he’s still a boy in some ways and has always been a daredevil, and so this was not meant to cause freight but rather it’s a sign he sees you truly as his friend…

He’s my son but I am a woman first…don’t ever stay silent…I don’t care who you are dealing with always demand respect.  Have firm boundaries.

Being embarrassed he began to joke and said when he had children (perhaps one of the ten we are expecting) he was going to push them in the swing and they would end up in a therapist’s office in trauma.  He knows about trauma…

You recited an entire screenplay drama around this scenario off the top of your head complete with repressed memories!  The victim going back in time seeing a swing…I let in the sound effect and let out a screech you then staying in character let out:  “I see it! I see it! The swing! It’s there!” We played out this whole scene and allowed the victim to successfully overcome their swing trauma sharing that in being pushed so hard he went all around the pole and accidentally kicked his father in the head in flight and so was no longer in fear of his father but felt sorry for him given his traumatic brain injury but still has certain phobias around swings…it was SICK!  It was INSANE!  It was FUNNY AS SHIT!

Welcome to the family…

My hope is…I’ll keep it to myself but I am very fond of you…

No…my hope is the best outcome for both of you and if ever the day comes…that instead of pain there will always be love and respect…

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